We had found each other on a non-wam app and discovered our shared interest in getting messy. He wanted to get gunge so I invited him over on condition that he'd come in a suit. He arrived in a dusty pink blazer, white shirt, maroon tie and black trousers paired with pale pink socks. I wore a navy blue suit, light blue shirt and striped blue tie and yellow socks. I sat him down and started breaking him in.

I eased him in with some lip locking. I picked up a pie and waved it in front of his face. Thinking I was joking around, he let out laugh before receiving his first pie to the face. As pieces of crust and filling dripped down his face and suit, it was clear that he was enjoying every second of it.

I grab a can of frosting and hold it in front of his face. "You know what this is?" I ask as I scoop up a blob of white frosting in my hand. I deliver my signature head frosting and empty a tub of cake batter over his head as he moans in ecstasy.

I lean in for a kiss with this creature who's coated in white. "Do you want to gunge me?" I ask. "Yes, I do," he replies...